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Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journal. Show all posts
Shine On
Saturday, June 28, 2008
There's a light in your eyes. I don't know if it's always there, or maybe we never see it, but it's there alright. The light in your eyes, that's everything from a twinkle to a spark, the one that comes dangerously close to being extinguished once you're an adult, and sometimes when you're a child...
Don't forget to keep your eyes full of life, because that's the only measure of your happiness... Shining bright when you were a child, it constantly amazed everyone around you, and anyone holding your gaze for long enough couldn't drop it... The light seemed to educate, enlighten... Maybe it shone so bright because you were an indefatigable optimist, or maybe it was because you just didn't know any better... It's the same thing, for a child, is it not?
But then you grew up, and you learned about life, and you started watching a little less Spongebob and a little more 'media', because suddenly, the media was your viewport to the world... and the Spongebob song was getting irritating anyway... The Age of Innocence came to an end.. and your optimist shrunk as time passed...
Your life became intense, or atleast your head said so. Sex, Drugs and Rock-n-Roll became your staple, except if you were unfortunate, it was Sex, Drugs and Rap Music... You're life started revolving around things that would later seem not quite as important... But the light was still there, sometimes... The people who brought out the light were the people you knew you wanted to have around you for the rest of your life... Surround yourself with plump men like Caesar... But like Caesar, you had the weakness of relating appearances to character... Hey, it was high school!
Then came the real age of the Media.. stepping in after closing off your exits, and drowning you in a constant flood of negativity and call outs about what the hell is wrong with the universe... But it wasn't just the media... It was life... everything in life, from the little things that got you down, to the big things that knocked you off your feet... All you could do was pick up the pieces and hope that the scotch tape would hold... The light started to flicker... But then you found someone... Someone who laid out more kindling and started a fire in your heart... It was pretty obvious this person was important, but this person probably left, and your fire almost dies out... but it survives... and you learn that nothing in life is ever permanent... as much as you want it to be...
But if there's one thing it should have taught you, it was that you can never ever put too much faith in any one person... Because eventually you might be let down, and it might happen even if that person is absolutely angelic... simply because we are human, and the sooner you understand that, the better it is for you (or me)... Stop... step back, take a look at the big picture here to see if you know what I'm really talking about...
If there's one thing it should have taught you, it's that you can never stop moving in life... Much like a first person shooter... when you stop moving, you die... Crisp, clear logic... But I'm not here to preach about life, atleast not this time... Me? It feels like I've been waiting for my life to begin for some time now, and I shouldn't be... Words from an advertisement, so befitting... "Make the most of now"...
But I'm not here to preach... I'm here to tell you to keep that light alive... That light is the magical mixture of energy, hope, dreams, life, love, innocence and wonder. Keep those in mind.. those are the most important part of this post, and the most important part of your life... Protect the light with all you have, because at the end of the day, it is all you have... When all is said and done in the day, it is the light that gets you through to the next phase... It is the light that governs the colours outside your window to the world... It is the light that ignites you...
Shine On...
Filed under Journal
Tagged: The 6 Quirk Disease
Friday, May 30, 2008
So finally, it's a tag that forces me to reveal things about myself... Something I would not normally do on my blog... but here goes anyway. Thanks to the taggers, and I pity the taggee's (credit for that goes to great inventor of insane words... againstthegrain)
And I was originally tagged by QuarterPastSeven... There, I think that's about all the acknowledging I have to do... I thought double tagging was againsttherules? :)
'Rules help control the fun!', so I do have to mention them:
These are the rules:
1. Link to the person(s) who tagged you
2. Mention these rules on your blog
3. List 6 unspectacular quirks of yours…
4. Tag 6 bloggers by linking to them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged Blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged…
Quirks!! All the stuff you can torture me about :P
1) I like to AirSing, i.e. mouth the words of a song when I'm listening to it on my phone/mp3. You will not hear a word from my mouth, but if you're a lipreader, you'd get a real treat :) I'll do this everywhere... from the tube, to on buses to while walking down the street... I will however, never do this when with someone I know. And then there's AirGuitaring, which I hardly need explain. And I have no idea how to play a real guitar, by the way... I just put on a real good show :) holding all the right cords and concentrating intensely on my hand movements... Sometimes I AirDrum, but it's really hard to do that while walking and not look like a retard...
2) I have an obsession for organisation. Everything has its place in my room, and some of it is just not practical. Everything MUST be arranged in lines, squares, rectangles and rhombuses. Never circles, in case you were wondering. My table HAS to be clean all the time, and I will try to organize the most impossible things. Including friend's computers... I'm sure some of you are familiar with my whining about YOUR computer :) And I will kill you if you touch my stuff... I will... Don't disturb the fighter wing formation on my desk... you risk having your eyes gouged out..
3) I have an aversion to incorrect spelling and grammar, and I cannot stand "lol"... And when I say I can't stand "lol", I mean I can't stand "Rotfl", "Rofl", "Lmao", "AFAIK" and tons of other 'forumspeak'. It is not a language, get it out of my face. This has direct tie ins to 'organisation'. I also cannot get my head around using "Wicked" to denote something that is, in fact, excellent... Maybe I'm just too last century...
4) Any girl that walks with me must always walk on the 'safe' side of the pavement, or should always sit on the 'safe' side of the rick. I will insist on walking/riding in this way, and no other way, and I will like you much less if you make a big deal about it. The safe side is the inside (away from the road), and I've always had this obsession.
5) I am guilty of sometimes listening (and singing along) to the Backstreet Boys, Bryan Adams, Hilary Duff and Westlife. I'm sorry, but their music is addictive. And don't you dare 'diss' Hilary Duff... I'm absolutely in love with her, and have been for a very long time (although I liked her better when she was fat and had blonde hair). Oh, and add Ricky Martin to that list... I found this old CD called "Ricky Martin 99", and throw it on from time to time... LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA!! :P okay, sorry... I also have obsessions with ABBA, The Carpenters and The Beatles, but those are still considered normal (right?)
6) I am in love with aircraft... While others are excitedly talking about hand crafted engines on the new Ferrari whatever three hundred and whatnot... I'm talking about the Pratt and Whitney F100... And when you say Rolls-Royce, my mind first connects to aircraft engine manufacture and then moves on to the car manufacture if that is not what you are talking about... I don't know crap about cars or bikes, and I look really stupid and 'uncool' when someone is talking about them... but I can just throw STOVL at them and they won't know what to make of it :)
So that's it... That's some stuff about me that is probably exclusive to me... I think that makes them quirks... So anyway... who do I tag? who do I tag? :) I tag:
1) Maliha
2) Half Truths and Fictions
3) Arielle/Becoming
4) Lalaine/Relativity
5) Confused College Girl
6) Elise
Arr... Get quirking and tagging...
Filed under Journal
First Day of the Rest of my Life
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Where have I been the past three weeks (you’ve missed me, oh yes, you have…)? I’m typing this out on my computer while sitting in Tumkur, Karnataka, India. I’m here because I flunked this Math exam last year, and I can’t do much until I get through it… And I’ve been away so long because there aren’t many hotspots here (it’s a small town), and I’m supposed to be hitting the books 24/7… You can’t even imagine how hard it is to “hit books” when the other half of my heart is two hours away from me, thinking about me and waiting for me… Ah, but I did see her… Standing there looking as beautiful and divine and belonging to me as ever… A kiss after 10 months of waiting is almost like a first kiss...
Ahem… So where was I?? Yes, The first day of the rest of my life… The first day of the rest of my life is the 24th of March, 2008. This is the day that I return to England from India, and this is also the day that Divya and I are officially over. Forever. Does it mean something then, that our anniversary is on the 23rd? It doesn’t matter. But I’m not going to bore you with details about my life and why this and that happens… Stuff just happens right? You just smile and move on, and make sure there are never any issues… Issues = Problems… Well, what’s happening is happening and I will believe that anything that happens, does so for the best… Either way, the both of us are going to be alright sooner or later, one way or another… Like the sign that says “pass both ways for same destination”… Life is not a movie, son… Maybe it doesn’t have to be so heartachey all the time… Maybe it is… But one thing’s for certain… There’s a part of me she is always going to own… and that part is never going to be mine again… This feels like love…
So why the title? Because the 24th is the day that I’ve decided things are-a-changing… Change is good right? We change all the time, everyday, every experience changes us in some way or another… Strictly speaking, we only experience proper disorientation a few times of life because major changes only take place a few times in our life… The others, well, you either sat there ignoring (that’s your own fault)… or you made a smooth transition… I do digress quite a lot, don’t I?
This is the day that I leave India for England, and the difference this time is that I truly move on… No trying, no waiting, no hiding… just plain moving on, with no questions asked… I wonder how this is going to feel… Every time I’ve been confronted with major change in my life, I’ve looked forward to it, because change has always felt good for me… I’m sort of a change junkie… I find it very hard to stay in one place for a very long time, I prefer being on the move, never stopping at a single place for too long lest I find that it gets boring and I start cursing it… Oh, and I love packing (yeah, I’m that weird)… That’s one of the side effects of living the life of a DOS (Defence Officer’s Son) (okay, so that’s an abbreviation I made up)…
Maybe now I’ll pay more attention to England and the people here and just life abroad really… Maybe now I’ll pay more attention to friends, and maybe I’ll try paying a little less attention to work… Things are-a-changing…
So I’m back J
Wish me luck!!
Filed under Journal
I feel fine
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Or rather... "I'm in love with her, and I feel fine"
I hope that answers the principal question all of you put forth in your previous comments. And for everyone who calls me a bloody idiot for doing that... Well, I can't say that I care... I guess I just do what I feel like at the end of the day, and somehow, nothing felt more right than that...
Anyway, this is one of those boring posts... the ones that go on forever and ever and you may just fall asleep somewhere along the way... but you may find a moral here... somewhere.. bah..
It's funny how I feel that the post before this wasn't me... How I can't relate to anything written in that post, or how at some point of time, those lyrics were fueling my emotion and my pain... It feels as though pain is something foreign right now.. Like that whole thing never happened... If you came up to me today and asked me how i'm holding up, I'd say Fine... and I would honestly mean it... Maybe that's just strange, and it can't be too good either, but it really does help.
I can't seem to get this lyric outta my head... It's from a song by Train... (Yes, my taste in music isn't much to talk about)"You used to tell me there's a time we all deserve to lose our minds"...
I lost my mind in that post... Losing your mind helps pain... Pain goes away, and the next day you wake up, and then you start to regret thing that you did... And then you start to curse, and then you start to hate yourself for what you've done... That's the worse bit of losing your mind... I don't think I've ever felt like that before, and I'm quite sure I never want to feel like that again... Pain is a foreign feeling...
And the wheel of time is still spinning, life is still moving, and I'm stooping to pick up the pieces and I'm stumbling on... Figuring out a way to stand up and walk on... One of my comments... "Happiness comes from within you, not from anyone or anything"... I like to say you're as happy as you want to be... and I figure that applies to most of the world... Maybe I haven't really dealt with any real pain in my life to know that, but it does make sense... You're only as sad as you want to be, for however long you want to be... I dunno... I'm just your average 17 year old... Head full of philosophy and not a bit of practicality... I guess that means I think with my heart... But I don't... I'm not a risk taker...
It gets me down sometimes.. Her being a thousand miles away... Because it would be absolutely perfect if I could just see her and feel her everyday... To those of you who have the good fortune of seeing that special person every single day.. Don't be a fucking idiot...
I love her... I love her no less that I loved her before this nightmare began... I think I love her more.. I know what I feel, and I'm certainly not an idiot... I know exactly what I'm doing.. I always have.. It doesn't feel like I can ever be as happy as I feel when I'm with her... but I'm not.. she's a thousand miles away... She's all I've ever dreamed of and wanted... and she's the one who keeps me true to myself and keeps me a good person... more or less... Deep down, I know I don't deserve something as special and as perfect as this... even though I sometimes pretend otherwise, I know that if I ever lose her, I can never ever find something like this... She is just absolutely beautiful and divine... but she's also one hell of a lady... :)
Alright.. Now I'm beginning to ramble...
Oh, and thank you guys for your support.. And I would really like to know who the second anonymous was... Sorry my posting has been out of the ordinary lately... I shall be back on my feet soon :)
Filed under Journal
Hope*
Saturday, February 23, 2008
"Hope, dangles on a string,
Like slow spinning redemption"
- from "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional
Read this slowly, and you may connect...
Hope... such a beautiful thing, yet not without it's own terrible consequences...
Hope, so strong and so powerful... Good and bad...
How am I ever expected to deal with such a thing as hope? To guard myself against false hope is the safest thing to do, and with that hope loses all meaning. Nobody can ever live without hope... Living without hope nullifies the meaning, and the very essence of existence. Hope is like an aspiration, something to look up to... Nobody can stay without a goal for very long... Short term or long term, everybody needs something to look up to, look forward to...
"So much, for all the promises you made, they served you well,
and now you're gone, and they're wasted on me"
- from "Rapid Hope Loss" by Dashboard Confessional
How am I ever expected to deal with things such as hope or trust or belief or love? How does one guard themselves against them? How the hell am I ever supposed to isolate myself from anger and pain and disappointment?
"I'm waiting for blood, to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm,
Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing,
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice"
- From "The Best Deceptions" by Dashboard Confessional
It's so amazing how hopes and dreams can keep you so buoyant and make sure that you stay on top of the world for such a long time... and it's equally amazing (yet disastrously so) how hopes and dreams awry can get you into one hell of a fucked up place in your life double time... I'm here... In this fucked up place right now... It's not the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't feel like a fucking joyride either... Life will go on, I guess I'll have to go on with it... Disappointment and Experience are two of the harshest teachers on your average journey in life, so make sure you learn a hell of a lot from them before time washes them away again...
"You've been asking me to bleed,
It seems these kinds of questions,
They come too easy to you now..."
- From "The Sharp Hint..." by Dashboard Confessional
I guess I can't ever lose trust, and I sure as hell am never going to lose my humanity... Humanity encompassing everything from basic belief to deep love. How the hell could you ever think breaking trust in someone, someone who's so fucking close to you was not a big deal... Why has trust lost so much of it's fucking value? Was I not fucking enough? Was breaking my heart twice not enough?
"Well as for now, I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
Sit alone and wonder,
How you're making out,
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere,
With Anyone,
Making out..."
- From "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional
I'm learning to keep the pain away, stored tight and locked away in a dark part of my soul... I've learned to numb it till I can talk about in ways such as this, indirect and prosaic... Until it bursts at the seams, and I can't help that... Bur these memories are killing me... memories good and memories bad... I wish I was talking to somebody now... I need to be talking to somebody... I need to talk to somebody who gives a shit... I need to stop staring at this fucking computer screen long enough to begin appreciating the darkness outside... Why appreciate that darkness? because it's so much lighter than what's going on inside of me... I need to stop moping about, stop listening to Dashboard and start getting my life in order... But I won't... It's so much fucking easier to just pity myself... I would get drunk, but I don't drink, so that brilliant idea is shot to hell... I think I'll just sit on the cold floor, stare out onto the street illuminated by a single street lamp, fold my arms and ponder my fucking question - 'Was I not fucking enough for her?'.
And you know what the worst bit is? She's going to read this, and I don't give a fuck... what a contrast to the other post...
"Wandering the house________________________________________________________________
Like I've never wanted out
And this is about
As social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away
The letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do."
- from "Saints and Sailors" by Dashboard Confessional
* Some of you might have noticed that I removed this post a couple of days ago... I guess it's all past me now, and I just wanted to put it back for some reason... Closure maybe...
Filed under Journal
Bully
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Why does life find it prudent to come about and bite me in the ass at the oddest of times?
I used to get bullied a hell of a lot... I'm not just talking about your emotional schoolyard bullying... I'm talking about seniors making us run at 3 in the morning and beating us with hockey sticks... But I don't regret any of that... It taught me a hell of a lot, and it made me grow up a hell of a lot faster than I would've.... Still, this blog is not about that... I'm not looking for rivers of tears... It's something else entirely
It's something to do with 'schoolyard' bullying.. No, I'm not complaining about that either... I've had that all my life and I'm so used to it now... I can, and I do, take verbal bullying quite well... I simply quit responding to the person who's doing it... Yeah, pretty amazing that I let myself get bullied... honestly, I just can't be bothered to respond... whatever else I may be, I am not one to stand up and make it stop... because all I say is "It's really not that bad..." or "Why bother?"... I will stand up for anybody else, and I would die for some... but myself is just not worth it...
And really... it doesn't matter... I'm not affected, no one else is either, and we're not talking about that because that's not what this blog is about...
This blog is about me... as a bully... Yeah, after all the stuff that's happened, I still somehow manage to make someone else's life a wee bit crappier. I realized this some time ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it... I can't even talk about it because talking about it makes you accept it, and there is no way in hell I'm going to admit that in 17 years... this is a part of me...
And I can't seem to stop the cycle... It scares me how I have no control over it.. It's like so much repression is suddenly finding voice... I can't help but think I'm emptying my frustration through this, and that scares me... When the hell did I ever get to this stage.. when the hell did I start feeling like bullying others was vindication? When did I start being vindictive? I certainly can't figure that one out...
Bullies are the lowest creatures on the face of the planet... along the lines of vermin and crap... I am not going to be vermin and crap... I'm going to be human... I wanna... I'm going to try like hell... And I'm going to apologize... That might just be one of the hardest things I've ever done... God I hope I can go through with this... I have to...
This helped...
Filed under Journal
As ISP's go
Friday, February 08, 2008
Tiscali is quite possibly the most terrible service provider... In the world. And I'm including Sify Broadband (If you've never heard of it, concentrate on keeping it that way)... Who takes 20 days for reconnecting broadband to a new address? Why should I even bother paying the broadband bill when they aren't providing me internet for half that month? And the lady doesn't even care why I'm cancelling my account. Oh, yeah... so we cancelled... You're lucky if you haven't heard of Tiscali either. I've gotta sit on the college internet for two weeks...
Oh, and I pity you if you have a BT line. Because I pity myself... because they muddled up our line change yet again. And when you have a problem with BT... you find something that keeps you sufficiently distracted... such as driving from London to Edinburgh... and they just might finish putting you on hold when you come back... they might...
My first call is in a queue for 42 minutes before someone picks up and hangs up... Yes... FORTY TWO minutes... The second call is picked up in about half an hour and the lady picks up, takes my postcode, and puts me on hold for another 7 minutes. This is really how long they were taking.
For the record, I've written about 8 pages of assignments (12 point, no pictures) while I was holding and I can estimate the age of the recorded voice hold lady... ah, yes, achievements...
And don't even get me started on Dial-a-Phone... They need to be threatened with legal action and big words before they start noticing their inbox... and before you order from them... May i remind you that although they have a telephone number for sales, they simply do not have a telephone number for customer service... I'm just saying...
I wonder if I should have written this to the OFT... they might have been more interested...
Filed under Journal
Packing
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Hello... Sorry I haven't been around for a bit... I've been busy with some stuff... but most of the time I'm telling myself that I'm too tired to do anything, sitting in front of the computer or TV and whiling my time away.
And I've been packing... I can't wait to move... We've renting a new place about 3 miles away from here, and I can't wait because of this house... it's landlord... and lots of other things... Have you ever felt like, I dunno, the house you're living in currently will never be "home"? Well, that's only gonna happen to you if you move around a hell of a lot and you actually do develop tastes in houses. Tastes in houses... I must be incredibly rich to have developed a taste in houses... Well my room is almost done... and I've still got a week and a half to go... Packing usually evokes strong memories in me... But now I've got nothing to stuff away into my shoebox, no memories in this house to cherish... blah...
So, the new house is just amazing... It's got everything I ever wanted... and then it has a full length window in my room... It's a little out of the way, I guess, but hell, I'd trade comfort for connection any day.
And I've been listening to a lot of music, and Simone White is really good. You might remember her from the Audi R8 Advertisement. But she's got some really good tunes... they're all easy going and sort of, fit, but not exactly.. you'd have to listen to see... 
I wish they'd come out with the new Heroes...
Filed under Journal
No one...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
No one understands... life comes to a standstill... i'm starting to lose it... i'm pretending on the outside and putting on a big smile... I lie to people who ask me how I'm doing.... "You sound down... What happened?"... "Nothing... this is how I usually sound... it's my cool depressed person voice"...
But inside it's all a big fucking lie... I hate myself... i don't even know what's wrong with me... and life has stopped... it's just stopped... I don't know why I bother living... No, this isn't suicidal... and this isn't extreme depression... I'm happy... life isn't that bad... I have everything i need... which is why I can still pretend.... My life is filled with too many goddamn maybes... there's a shadow over my face and over my mind... I know this because I don't feel like doing much anymore... I don't even feel like writing.. and I always feel like writing... No one gets it... Because I don't get it.. and it's worse when they assume that they get it... I'm so fucked in the head... But no... i'm not... I'm happy... I've got everything I need in my life... I still feel like banging my head against the wall till i start bleeding or die... What's the point in living... have you ever pondered that? the point of living? you should... the entire world is a farce... pretense is widespread... i spread this message of the world being crappy so make me a fucking messiah... fuck political correctness.... fuck being proper... fuck being strong when i don't feel strong and i feel so fucking weak... fuck sympathy... i don't want your pity... i just want somebody to hear me out... but i'm never going to tell you my problem.. i'd be so fucking happy if i ever figured out what it was...
No one understands... No one bothers... I'm today's problem... maybe i'll be tomorrow's problem... but not after that.... ignorance has an effect... it's called repression... and repression serves a lot of purposes... become completely independent, completely boxing in your feelings and you'll be an enigma... you'll be the strongest person in the world... but then you'll be the weakest... So i'm still gonna lie... I'm still gonna say, "Hey, I am A-OK.... " and i don't ever want anyone to question that... Independence is good... It helps.. really... and life will go on... people will forget... the earth will revolve.. i'll get older... i'll forget... and there are six other people saying the exact same thing... it has to be true right...
No one ever cares... I don't care either... About them... "Them" caring is probably just going to piss me off... I'm not a chicken soup for the soul story waiting to happen... because I don't have any problems... Not tomorrow... everything will be fine tomorrow...
__________________________________
Free writing... Whatever came to my mind... Ah... feels good... I don't care if you don't like it...
Oh, and if you know me, and you've read this... I don't wanna talk about it... I don't want your sympathy... I'm not a misunderstood little kid...
Filed under Journal
Super Blog!!!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Well, this is just an update sort of thing, so if you're in the mood for something that has substance, then keep scrolling or click here... but do answer the question at the end... and the poll... if there is one... :)
Well, first off, Say hello to my new "Things I Will Never Understand" list on the right. This contains links to... well, you guessed it... things that don't really make sense... or should not even exist.. Most of it is probably going to be just judgment... but what the hell...
Also say hello to the literary addictions section... that's stuff i read :) and that collections contains some of the best bloggers here (I don't get the point of "Blogs Of Note", since half of them are aloe vera commercials...). Getting back to the point... If you're on that list, then congratulations... If you're not, and would like to get onto the list... then please make a cheque payable to Bharat Reddy... wha? okay okay... but seriously... If you see someone who's on there and you don't know about them... give em a shot... I find they are very good reads...
Also welcome the new RSS button :) which i happen to have made myself... except for the logo... which i guess is the main part of it... but anyway... my creative ability has increased tenfold lately...
It's funny i feel this way but i feel I've joined a literary youtube vlog... but i guess the YouTube idea came from blogs anyway... well, thank you all for making my stay enjoyable and full of sane stuff that I can read :)
Well, the point of this post was... is "Housekeeping" a good idea?... by housekeeping, i mean blogs that I write that tell you a little about me once in a while... basically blogs that have no point... like what I'm doing, what I plan on doing... Where I'm coming from, and where I'm going... stuff like that... lemme know!!
And yes, the blog below this is a new one.. so tell me I'm out of my mind...
Filed under Journal
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