"Hope, dangles on a string,
Like slow spinning redemption"

- from "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional

Read this slowly, and you may connect...

Hope... such a beautiful thing, yet not without it's own terrible consequences...

Hope, so strong and so powerful... Good and bad...

How am I ever expected to deal with such a thing as hope? To guard myself against false hope is the safest thing to do, and with that hope loses all meaning. Nobody can ever live without hope... Living without hope nullifies the meaning, and the very essence of existence. Hope is like an aspiration, something to look up to... Nobody can stay without a goal for very long... Short term or long term, everybody needs something to look up to, look forward to...

"So much, for all the promises you made, they served you well,
and now you're gone, and they're wasted on me"

- from "Rapid Hope Loss" by Dashboard Confessional

How am I ever expected to deal with things such as hope or trust or belief or love? How does one guard themselves against them? How the hell am I ever supposed to isolate myself from anger and pain and disappointment?

"I'm waiting for blood, to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm,
Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing,
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice"

- From "The Best Deceptions" by Dashboard Confessional

It's so amazing how hopes and dreams can keep you so buoyant and make sure that you stay on top of the world for such a long time... and it's equally amazing (yet disastrously so) how hopes and dreams awry can get you into one hell of a fucked up place in your life double time... I'm here... In this fucked up place right now... It's not the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't feel like a fucking joyride either... Life will go on, I guess I'll have to go on with it... Disappointment and Experience are two of the harshest teachers on your average journey in life, so make sure you learn a hell of a lot from them before time washes them away again...
"You've been asking me to bleed,
It seems these kinds of questions,
They come too easy to you now..."

- From "The Sharp Hint..." by Dashboard Confessional

I guess I can't ever lose trust, and I sure as hell am never going to lose my humanity... Humanity encompassing everything from basic belief to deep love. How the hell could you ever think breaking trust in someone, someone who's so fucking close to you was not a big deal... Why has trust lost so much of it's fucking value? Was I not fucking enough? Was breaking my heart twice not enough?

"Well as for now, I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
Sit alone and wonder,
How you're making out,
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere,
With Anyone,
Making out...

- From "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm learning to keep the pain away, stored tight and locked away in a dark part of my soul... I've learned to numb it till I can talk about in ways such as this, indirect and prosaic... Until it bursts at the seams, and I can't help that... Bur these memories are killing me... memories good and memories bad... I wish I was talking to somebody now... I need to be talking to somebody... I need to talk to somebody who gives a shit... I need to stop staring at this fucking computer screen long enough to begin appreciating the darkness outside... Why appreciate that darkness? because it's so much lighter than what's going on inside of me... I need to stop moping about, stop listening to Dashboard and start getting my life in order... But I won't... It's so much fucking easier to just pity myself... I would get drunk, but I don't drink, so that brilliant idea is shot to hell... I think I'll just sit on the cold floor, stare out onto the street illuminated by a single street lamp, fold my arms and ponder my fucking question - 'Was I not fucking enough for her?'.

And you know what the worst bit is? She's going to read this, and I don't give a fuck... what a contrast to the other post...

"Wandering the house
Like I've never wanted out
And this is about
As social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away
The letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do."

- from "Saints and Sailors" by Dashboard Confessional

* Some of you might have noticed that I removed this post a couple of days ago... I guess it's all past me now, and I just wanted to put it back for some reason... Closure maybe...

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The Spotlight (Featuring Divya)

This is something that my girlfriend wrote... and I "get" it :) So I thought I'd put it up...

"i stand here facing life
you're standing beside me
so long, i've walked alone
so long i've walked in darkness
you showed me how to live
you showed me light
finally, i'm free
free from my past
i see
clearly into the future
i can conquer the world
i can conquer reality
dreams i've dreamt
real or fake
it doesn't matter anymore
you're by my side
i feel strong. i can walk tall
you make me feel blessed
you're my angel,your my life
you dragged me back from hell
you chased away my tears and pain
what would i do without you??
i wish you could be there for me always
i wish i could be there for you always
but thats an impossible wish
love me always and forever
love me for eternity
i am selfish only when it comes to your love
i am yours,will always be
don't ever doubt that
i will be waiting....... always!!"

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Why does life find it prudent to come about and bite me in the ass at the oddest of times?

I used to get bullied a hell of a lot... I'm not just talking about your emotional schoolyard bullying... I'm talking about seniors making us run at 3 in the morning and beating us with hockey sticks... But I don't regret any of that... It taught me a hell of a lot, and it made me grow up a hell of a lot faster than I would've.... Still, this blog is not about that... I'm not looking for rivers of tears... It's something else entirely

It's something to do with 'schoolyard' bullying.. No, I'm not complaining about that either... I've had that all my life and I'm so used to it now... I can, and I do, take verbal bullying quite well... I simply quit responding to the person who's doing it... Yeah, pretty amazing that I let myself get bullied... honestly, I just can't be bothered to respond... whatever else I may be, I am not one to stand up and make it stop... because all I say is "It's really not that bad..." or "Why bother?"... I will stand up for anybody else, and I would die for some... but myself is just not worth it...

And really... it doesn't matter... I'm not affected, no one else is either, and we're not talking about that because that's not what this blog is about...

This blog is about me... as a bully... Yeah, after all the stuff that's happened, I still somehow manage to make someone else's life a wee bit crappier. I realized this some time ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it... I can't even talk about it because talking about it makes you accept it, and there is no way in hell I'm going to admit that in 17 years... this is a part of me...

And I can't seem to stop the cycle... It scares me how I have no control over it.. It's like so much repression is suddenly finding voice... I can't help but think I'm emptying my frustration through this, and that scares me... When the hell did I ever get to this stage.. when the hell did I start feeling like bullying others was vindication? When did I start being vindictive? I certainly can't figure that one out...

Bullies are the lowest creatures on the face of the planet... along the lines of vermin and crap... I am not going to be vermin and crap... I'm going to be human... I wanna... I'm going to try like hell... And I'm going to apologize... That might just be one of the hardest things I've ever done... God I hope I can go through with this... I have to...

This helped...

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As ISP's go

Tiscali is quite possibly the most terrible service provider... In the world. And I'm including Sify Broadband (If you've never heard of it, concentrate on keeping it that way)... Who takes 20 days for reconnecting broadband to a new address? Why should I even bother paying the broadband bill when they aren't providing me internet for half that month? And the lady doesn't even care why I'm cancelling my account. Oh, yeah... so we cancelled... You're lucky if you haven't heard of Tiscali either. I've gotta sit on the college internet for two weeks...

Oh, and I pity you if you have a BT line. Because I pity myself... because they muddled up our line change yet again. And when you have a problem with BT... you find something that keeps you sufficiently distracted... such as driving from London to Edinburgh... and they just might finish putting you on hold when you come back... they might...

My first call is in a queue for 42 minutes before someone picks up and hangs up... Yes... FORTY TWO minutes... The second call is picked up in about half an hour and the lady picks up, takes my postcode, and puts me on hold for another 7 minutes. This is really how long they were taking.

For the record, I've written about 8 pages of assignments (12 point, no pictures) while I was holding and I can estimate the age of the recorded voice hold lady... ah, yes, achievements...

And don't even get me started on Dial-a-Phone... They need to be threatened with legal action and big words before they start noticing their inbox... and before you order from them... May i remind you that although they have a telephone number for sales, they simply do not have a telephone number for customer service... I'm just saying...

I wonder if I should have written this to the OFT... they might have been more interested...

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