No one...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008

No one understands... life comes to a standstill... i'm starting to lose it... i'm pretending on the outside and putting on a big smile... I lie to people who ask me how I'm doing.... "You sound down... What happened?"... "Nothing... this is how I usually sound... it's my cool depressed person voice"...

But inside it's all a big fucking lie... I hate myself... i don't even know what's wrong with me... and life has stopped... it's just stopped... I don't know why I bother living... No, this isn't suicidal... and this isn't extreme depression... I'm happy... life isn't that bad... I have everything i need... which is why I can still pretend.... My life is filled with too many goddamn maybes... there's a shadow over my face and over my mind... I know this because I don't feel like doing much anymore... I don't even feel like writing.. and I always feel like writing... No one gets it... Because I don't get it.. and it's worse when they assume that they get it... I'm so fucked in the head... But no... i'm not... I'm happy... I've got everything I need in my life... I still feel like banging my head against the wall till i start bleeding or die... What's the point in living... have you ever pondered that? the point of living? you should... the entire world is a farce... pretense is widespread... i spread this message of the world being crappy so make me a fucking messiah... fuck political correctness.... fuck being proper... fuck being strong when i don't feel strong and i feel so fucking weak... fuck sympathy... i don't want your pity... i just want somebody to hear me out... but i'm never going to tell you my problem.. i'd be so fucking happy if i ever figured out what it was...

No one understands... No one bothers... I'm today's problem... maybe i'll be tomorrow's problem... but not after that.... ignorance has an effect... it's called repression... and repression serves a lot of purposes... become completely independent, completely boxing in your feelings and you'll be an enigma... you'll be the strongest person in the world... but then you'll be the weakest... So i'm still gonna lie... I'm still gonna say, "Hey, I am A-OK.... " and i don't ever want anyone to question that... Independence is good... It helps.. really... and life will go on... people will forget... the earth will revolve.. i'll get older... i'll forget... and there are six other people saying the exact same thing... it has to be true right...

No one ever cares... I don't care either... About them... "Them" caring is probably just going to piss me off... I'm not a chicken soup for the soul story waiting to happen... because I don't have any problems... Not tomorrow... everything will be fine tomorrow...

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Free writing... Whatever came to my mind... Ah... feels good... I don't care if you don't like it...

Oh, and if you know me, and you've read this... I don't wanna talk about it... I don't want your sympathy... I'm not a misunderstood little kid...

 

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9 comments. Share an Idea ]:

Shemley said... 15 January 2008 at 23:12  

This my favourite entry of yours by far...

"My life is filled with too many goddamn maybes.."

I hear you bro...

jeff said... 16 January 2008 at 03:32  

"you'll be the strongest person in the world...but then you'll be the weakest"

the truth by fuckin far, my friend. anyway, i freewrite all the time when im down. its always good. i get ideas for poems and shit from them too. i don't want to post those tho, too revealing...

Sushmita Dutta said... 16 January 2008 at 16:17  

i like your blog... :)

Commissioner said... 16 January 2008 at 22:51  

wow. I was not expecting this entry from you.

Bharat said... 16 January 2008 at 22:53  

what is it with everyone liking this entry anyway? o.0

Anonymous said... 17 January 2008 at 00:02  

they like it cause it's extremely raw and out there. it's good. i did that once too, just write, your pure thoughts out there. it was kind of freaky lol it shifted from 1st person to 2nd.. if it's read (which i hope it never is) the person might think i have an alter-ego hahaha

Bum Atom said... 17 January 2008 at 22:04  

yeah man

Zexk said... 18 January 2008 at 11:58  

Never give up hope!

http://zexk.blogspot.com/

J.David Bodzin said... 18 January 2008 at 17:14  

I get your meaning.

Life is one big maybe or maybe not; and it's always in the grey shade.

Also thanks for stopping by my blog.

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