The Pleasure of their Company

Humanity. I just don’t understand what it is with humanity. So here I was just about to call humanity an idea, but nothing that’s truly ever there… And then I met my taxi driver.

Like I said in my last blog, I was in Tumkur because of an exam… Well, the truth is, I flunked it on the first attempt, and the second time, I wasn’t allowed into the examination centre (long story) because I was late because I forgot my admission ticket at home. So right now, nobody really trusts me… Really not fair since it’s only happened once… but there it is… I’ve gotten used to it now… So that brings me to tuition for my examination and how I MUST have a taxi to get there and back because otherwise I’ll just fall into a gutter or something…

But I’m not complaining… The driver was a really nice person, and we talked about everything from the mileage that he get from his bike to how people who don’t know how to drive should just stay the hell off the road. What really surprised me that he invited me to his house, when I’d known him for just about five days or so and we couldn’t really talk about everything under the sun considering the fact that I couldn’t really speak his native language, and he couldn’t speak mine… I surprise you don’t I?

So I accepted his invitation, and I told him we’d go after tuitions one day, and I did… I met his family, and they turned out to be just marvellous. There’s this feeling that you get when you are actually welcome in somebody’s company, and then there’s this feeling of… closed doors. Their doors were wide open for someone they barely knew, and they were speaking to me as though I was a long lost friend of theirs. I’ll admit I was slightly taken back at this because, well, because how many times in a year does something like this happen to you eh? Well, basically I had an amazing time.

Why though? This has happened to me before as well (some of you might remember). Here I was walking along the road, going home from tuition, and this completely random dude on a moped stops, tells me to “Get on, I’ll drop you!” and off we went, weaving through streets that would’ve taken me another half an hour to walk. He dropped me off safe and sound close to home, and accelerated away before I could finish thanking him profusely. And to date I don’t know his name, although I will never forget his face. The thing is, he was riding a moped, and people who ride mopeds in India aren’t usually anywhere near the upper or upper middle class. They are usually people with not a lot of money. He didn’t need to pick me up, yet he did. Why? Why is it that every time the people who have the time to help never do, and the people who are hard pressed for anything in life are the ones who are always willing to go that extra mile, completely out of their way, just to be humane.

And the funny thing about both these incidents is that both of them have happened when I was feeling really down in the dumps about stuff. Humanity… I really wish I got it…

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First Day of the Rest of my Life

Where have I been the past three weeks (you’ve missed me, oh yes, you have…)? I’m typing this out on my computer while sitting in Tumkur, Karnataka, India. I’m here because I flunked this Math exam last year, and I can’t do much until I get through it… And I’ve been away so long because there aren’t many hotspots here (it’s a small town), and I’m supposed to be hitting the books 24/7… You can’t even imagine how hard it is to “hit books” when the other half of my heart is two hours away from me, thinking about me and waiting for me… Ah, but I did see her… Standing there looking as beautiful and divine and belonging to me as ever… A kiss after 10 months of waiting is almost like a first kiss...

Ahem… So where was I?? Yes, The first day of the rest of my life… The first day of the rest of my life is the 24th of March, 2008. This is the day that I return to England from India, and this is also the day that Divya and I are officially over. Forever. Does it mean something then, that our anniversary is on the 23rd? It doesn’t matter. But I’m not going to bore you with details about my life and why this and that happens… Stuff just happens right? You just smile and move on, and make sure there are never any issues… Issues = Problems… Well, what’s happening is happening and I will believe that anything that happens, does so for the best… Either way, the both of us are going to be alright sooner or later, one way or another… Like the sign that says “pass both ways for same destination”… Life is not a movie, son… Maybe it doesn’t have to be so heartachey all the time… Maybe it is… But one thing’s for certain… There’s a part of me she is always going to own… and that part is never going to be mine again… This feels like love…

So why the title? Because the 24th is the day that I’ve decided things are-a-changing… Change is good right? We change all the time, everyday, every experience changes us in some way or another… Strictly speaking, we only experience proper disorientation a few times of life because major changes only take place a few times in our life… The others, well, you either sat there ignoring (that’s your own fault)… or you made a smooth transition… I do digress quite a lot, don’t I?

This is the day that I leave India for England, and the difference this time is that I truly move on… No trying, no waiting, no hiding… just plain moving on, with no questions asked… I wonder how this is going to feel… Every time I’ve been confronted with major change in my life, I’ve looked forward to it, because change has always felt good for me… I’m sort of a change junkie… I find it very hard to stay in one place for a very long time, I prefer being on the move, never stopping at a single place for too long lest I find that it gets boring and I start cursing it… Oh, and I love packing (yeah, I’m that weird)… That’s one of the side effects of living the life of a DOS (Defence Officer’s Son) (okay, so that’s an abbreviation I made up)…

Maybe now I’ll pay more attention to England and the people here and just life abroad really… Maybe now I’ll pay more attention to friends, and maybe I’ll try paying a little less attention to work… Things are-a-changing…

So I’m back J

Wish me luck!!

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Digital Memories

Sort through your email. Honestly, sort through all of your old email and that is enough to start making you feel nostalgic. Then maybe you'll write that old friend the letter you've been meaning to, and maybe you'll rebuild a bridge...


My email inbox is always 1% full.. 1% of my life on the internet... It's that one percent that matters here on the vast web... Because that one percent is filled with hope, desire, trust, experience and most importantly, truth, love and heartbreak. I can't help but think about how far I've come since I opened my email inbox. And it really wasn't that long ago either.

I have hurriedly dashed off one line messages, angry one line messages, sad one line messages... Then I have paragraphs... And finally, I come to incredibly large ten paragraph emails, and a paragraph in my book is seven lines or something. And in every one of those emails is something that is a part of me... Be it a secret crush that never came to much, a not so secret crush that was, well... the best nightmare of my life, letters to friends whining, seeking help and celebrating, letters to family wishing them Happy all-sorts-of-things, and nagging them for advice on not so many... I came across emails with feeling in them, as opposed to a wall post that won't make a tiny bit of difference to you tomorrow. I would not have found a pillar of support and a best friend had it not been for that inbox, and tons of email traffic back and forth... And everytime that bond starts to fade, A simple email will do... no questions asked about where and why the absence... An email is all it takes...

Honestly speaking, that email inbox forged me friendships that I will never forget, and it documents every smile and every tear that was ever cried by me or a Super Awesome People (don't ask :) ). That email inbox holds more worth than any number of "social networking sites" that you throw at me... It really puts stuff in perspective... How I've changed over the years, how I've grown and how I can now say that I have a brain... It's a timeline of sorts for your soul...

So yeah, If you've been on the internet long enough, take my advice, and if you're not incredibly busy, just sift through your inbox... Find a window to you :)

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I feel fine

Or rather... "I'm in love with her, and I feel fine"

I hope that answers the principal question all of you put forth in your previous comments. And for everyone who calls me a bloody idiot for doing that... Well, I can't say that I care... I guess I just do what I feel like at the end of the day, and somehow, nothing felt more right than that...

Anyway, this is one of those boring posts... the ones that go on forever and ever and you may just fall asleep somewhere along the way... but you may find a moral here... somewhere.. bah..

It's funny how I feel that the post before this wasn't me... How I can't relate to anything written in that post, or how at some point of time, those lyrics were fueling my emotion and my pain... It feels as though pain is something foreign right now.. Like that whole thing never happened... If you came up to me today and asked me how i'm holding up, I'd say Fine... and I would honestly mean it... Maybe that's just strange, and it can't be too good either, but it really does help.

I can't seem to get this lyric outta my head... It's from a song by Train... (Yes, my taste in music isn't much to talk about)"You used to tell me there's a time we all deserve to lose our minds"...

I lost my mind in that post... Losing your mind helps pain... Pain goes away, and the next day you wake up, and then you start to regret thing that you did... And then you start to curse, and then you start to hate yourself for what you've done... That's the worse bit of losing your mind... I don't think I've ever felt like that before, and I'm quite sure I never want to feel like that again... Pain is a foreign feeling...

And the wheel of time is still spinning, life is still moving, and I'm stooping to pick up the pieces and I'm stumbling on... Figuring out a way to stand up and walk on... One of my comments... "Happiness comes from within you, not from anyone or anything"... I like to say you're as happy as you want to be... and I figure that applies to most of the world... Maybe I haven't really dealt with any real pain in my life to know that, but it does make sense... You're only as sad as you want to be, for however long you want to be... I dunno... I'm just your average 17 year old... Head full of philosophy and not a bit of practicality... I guess that means I think with my heart... But I don't... I'm not a risk taker...

It gets me down sometimes.. Her being a thousand miles away... Because it would be absolutely perfect if I could just see her and feel her everyday... To those of you who have the good fortune of seeing that special person every single day.. Don't be a fucking idiot...

I love her... I love her no less that I loved her before this nightmare began... I think I love her more.. I know what I feel, and I'm certainly not an idiot... I know exactly what I'm doing.. I always have.. It doesn't feel like I can ever be as happy as I feel when I'm with her... but I'm not.. she's a thousand miles away... She's all I've ever dreamed of and wanted... and she's the one who keeps me true to myself and keeps me a good person... more or less... Deep down, I know I don't deserve something as special and as perfect as this... even though I sometimes pretend otherwise, I know that if I ever lose her, I can never ever find something like this... She is just absolutely beautiful and divine... but she's also one hell of a lady... :)

Alright.. Now I'm beginning to ramble...

Oh, and thank you guys for your support.. And I would really like to know who the second anonymous was... Sorry my posting has been out of the ordinary lately... I shall be back on my feet soon :)

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