11 hours ago
I feel fine
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Or rather... "I'm in love with her, and I feel fine"
I hope that answers the principal question all of you put forth in your previous comments. And for everyone who calls me a bloody idiot for doing that... Well, I can't say that I care... I guess I just do what I feel like at the end of the day, and somehow, nothing felt more right than that...
Anyway, this is one of those boring posts... the ones that go on forever and ever and you may just fall asleep somewhere along the way... but you may find a moral here... somewhere.. bah..
It's funny how I feel that the post before this wasn't me... How I can't relate to anything written in that post, or how at some point of time, those lyrics were fueling my emotion and my pain... It feels as though pain is something foreign right now.. Like that whole thing never happened... If you came up to me today and asked me how i'm holding up, I'd say Fine... and I would honestly mean it... Maybe that's just strange, and it can't be too good either, but it really does help.
I can't seem to get this lyric outta my head... It's from a song by Train... (Yes, my taste in music isn't much to talk about)"You used to tell me there's a time we all deserve to lose our minds"...
I lost my mind in that post... Losing your mind helps pain... Pain goes away, and the next day you wake up, and then you start to regret thing that you did... And then you start to curse, and then you start to hate yourself for what you've done... That's the worse bit of losing your mind... I don't think I've ever felt like that before, and I'm quite sure I never want to feel like that again... Pain is a foreign feeling...
And the wheel of time is still spinning, life is still moving, and I'm stooping to pick up the pieces and I'm stumbling on... Figuring out a way to stand up and walk on... One of my comments... "Happiness comes from within you, not from anyone or anything"... I like to say you're as happy as you want to be... and I figure that applies to most of the world... Maybe I haven't really dealt with any real pain in my life to know that, but it does make sense... You're only as sad as you want to be, for however long you want to be... I dunno... I'm just your average 17 year old... Head full of philosophy and not a bit of practicality... I guess that means I think with my heart... But I don't... I'm not a risk taker...
It gets me down sometimes.. Her being a thousand miles away... Because it would be absolutely perfect if I could just see her and feel her everyday... To those of you who have the good fortune of seeing that special person every single day.. Don't be a fucking idiot...
I love her... I love her no less that I loved her before this nightmare began... I think I love her more.. I know what I feel, and I'm certainly not an idiot... I know exactly what I'm doing.. I always have.. It doesn't feel like I can ever be as happy as I feel when I'm with her... but I'm not.. she's a thousand miles away... She's all I've ever dreamed of and wanted... and she's the one who keeps me true to myself and keeps me a good person... more or less... Deep down, I know I don't deserve something as special and as perfect as this... even though I sometimes pretend otherwise, I know that if I ever lose her, I can never ever find something like this... She is just absolutely beautiful and divine... but she's also one hell of a lady... :)
Alright.. Now I'm beginning to ramble...
Oh, and thank you guys for your support.. And I would really like to know who the second anonymous was... Sorry my posting has been out of the ordinary lately... I shall be back on my feet soon :)
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so... you guys.. are doing the ... long distance thing...? that sucks... i tried it once... physical contact is way more fun... and true... maybe talking and feeling close... to another being may be fine... but there's nothing... better than a... good smooch ... whenever you feel... like one.
I don't think you can be fine with still being in love with her and not being with her. I still think you should take up guitar and sing dashboard to chicks.
When you get through trying and testing times, things seem to get stronger. I've experienced this several times. I also know what it feels like to do a long distance relationship. My boyfriend moved 200 miles away a year ago and before that he was 100 miles away.
Sorry I haven't been keeping up with your blog lately. I do enjoy your comments on mine and as always, thank you for your reading and support.