1 day ago
Packing
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Hello... Sorry I haven't been around for a bit... I've been busy with some stuff... but most of the time I'm telling myself that I'm too tired to do anything, sitting in front of the computer or TV and whiling my time away.
And I've been packing... I can't wait to move... We've renting a new place about 3 miles away from here, and I can't wait because of this house... it's landlord... and lots of other things... Have you ever felt like, I dunno, the house you're living in currently will never be "home"? Well, that's only gonna happen to you if you move around a hell of a lot and you actually do develop tastes in houses. Tastes in houses... I must be incredibly rich to have developed a taste in houses... Well my room is almost done... and I've still got a week and a half to go... Packing usually evokes strong memories in me... But now I've got nothing to stuff away into my shoebox, no memories in this house to cherish... blah...
So, the new house is just amazing... It's got everything I ever wanted... and then it has a full length window in my room... It's a little out of the way, I guess, but hell, I'd trade comfort for connection any day.
And I've been listening to a lot of music, and Simone White is really good. You might remember her from the Audi R8 Advertisement. But she's got some really good tunes... they're all easy going and sort of, fit, but not exactly.. you'd have to listen to see... 
I wish they'd come out with the new Heroes...
Filed under Journal
No one...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
No one understands... life comes to a standstill... i'm starting to lose it... i'm pretending on the outside and putting on a big smile... I lie to people who ask me how I'm doing.... "You sound down... What happened?"... "Nothing... this is how I usually sound... it's my cool depressed person voice"...
But inside it's all a big fucking lie... I hate myself... i don't even know what's wrong with me... and life has stopped... it's just stopped... I don't know why I bother living... No, this isn't suicidal... and this isn't extreme depression... I'm happy... life isn't that bad... I have everything i need... which is why I can still pretend.... My life is filled with too many goddamn maybes... there's a shadow over my face and over my mind... I know this because I don't feel like doing much anymore... I don't even feel like writing.. and I always feel like writing... No one gets it... Because I don't get it.. and it's worse when they assume that they get it... I'm so fucked in the head... But no... i'm not... I'm happy... I've got everything I need in my life... I still feel like banging my head against the wall till i start bleeding or die... What's the point in living... have you ever pondered that? the point of living? you should... the entire world is a farce... pretense is widespread... i spread this message of the world being crappy so make me a fucking messiah... fuck political correctness.... fuck being proper... fuck being strong when i don't feel strong and i feel so fucking weak... fuck sympathy... i don't want your pity... i just want somebody to hear me out... but i'm never going to tell you my problem.. i'd be so fucking happy if i ever figured out what it was...
No one understands... No one bothers... I'm today's problem... maybe i'll be tomorrow's problem... but not after that.... ignorance has an effect... it's called repression... and repression serves a lot of purposes... become completely independent, completely boxing in your feelings and you'll be an enigma... you'll be the strongest person in the world... but then you'll be the weakest... So i'm still gonna lie... I'm still gonna say, "Hey, I am A-OK.... " and i don't ever want anyone to question that... Independence is good... It helps.. really... and life will go on... people will forget... the earth will revolve.. i'll get older... i'll forget... and there are six other people saying the exact same thing... it has to be true right...
No one ever cares... I don't care either... About them... "Them" caring is probably just going to piss me off... I'm not a chicken soup for the soul story waiting to happen... because I don't have any problems... Not tomorrow... everything will be fine tomorrow...
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Free writing... Whatever came to my mind... Ah... feels good... I don't care if you don't like it...
Oh, and if you know me, and you've read this... I don't wanna talk about it... I don't want your sympathy... I'm not a misunderstood little kid...
Filed under Journal
The People in the Signs
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Before I apply for a driver's license theory test, I have to spend endless hours looking at a computer screen and answering random questions about the road and it's rules. This involves some staring at those road signs telling me of cyclists, pedestrians, trams, buses and whatnot.
These signs are actually quite interesting (yes, that's how bored I get these days), because I love extracting stories and stuff from them. I do this particularly from the road signs depicting people, and the "elderly people" sign always evokes something in me... Don't ask me why.
The UK elderly people sign that is... Everytime I see it somewhere, it I see some weird sort of shadow person on white background love, because I can see two old people bent with age, holding hands (HOLDING HANDS), and struggling to walk while the man bravely leads his woman on in front of her with a stick. I think, 'Well, he must be a very caring husband, and she the perfect doting wife to him. Just look at the way they stick to each other even after their backs are bent with struggle and age.'
Another sign is the pedestrians sign (no, not the pedestrian crossing sign). The sign makes me think of strong father figure who cares about his little girl and would do anything to protect her from the world and, well, what with so much crap in the world that's hard to see sometimes.
Okay, so there was no real point to this and I now look crazy, but does anybody else ever notice these things?
Filed under Muse
Write? Me?
Friday, January 11, 2008
It's no secret, I have no illusions... I don't think of myself as a writer, and I don't believe that any material (should I decide against shredding as soon as writing) will ever make a difference to a single mind, let alone the world. I don't think of myself as this enigma, or as a genius. That's just not me and I know what I can be good at, and what I'm terrible at. I think I'm positively great at computers, up to a certain level, and trust me, I am not boasting. It's this confidence that I have around them. I love this confidence, but say 'writer' and it's been taken too far.
Maybe dreamer...
Let me explain... When I am writing, anything for that matter, be it my latest pathetic attempt at the crime of the century (starring, as always, Mike Anderson - since bloody 12 years old), my latest 'romance novel' for luv (i think i might need a good pseudonym), or even my latest blog... I don't write to impress, and I don't write to serve any particular purpose. I write what I think, and I write what I feel. I can never ever have more than a small fraction of the world near anything I write not only because I'm terrified of being criticised, but also because it was quite simply never meant for that.
I don't ever want to be rich and famous... All I'm doing is sharing a little bit of space in my head with a few other people who do the same thing... Sure, there was a time when I aspired to be a journalist... and as exciting as that prospect was, I'm not your average risk taker... I believe in calculated risks, yes where Benefit > Cost, and thus a mathematical certainty. I write to please myself, and when I write, a whole world of possibility is thrown open... I can live a life in my writings that is not mine, and still not be jailed for it... Writing is what I do when too many thoughts run through my mind, or when too many emotions run through my heart... Writing takes me places that I have only dreamed of... Writing is the one place I become a dreamer, for neither you, nor I can be a dreamer all their lives... I could never be bothered with the pressure or the reality of real writing...
So in the end, what could I be called? A writer? A title that I could never be worthy of, moreover, a censure on my spirit I would not be able to handle. A blogger? Now that sounds brilliant... :)
Who are you?
Filed under Muse
Woman
Saturday, January 05, 2008
This is just something that I think about from time to time, but how many times a day do you stop and think about the women around you? You see them, walking down the street, prettying themselves up, looking absolutely fabulous... you see them at home, wearing the grayest clothes and with morning hair, looking more fabulous... The world might cease to exist if it wasn't for them...
I can't help but think that women must be among the most divine creatures on earth. I'm not just referring to one specific woman, and I'm not just referring to women who play specific roles in our lives... I'll admit that this has been inspired by the love of my life... but it's also every other woman who ever lived... it's not just about that one woman in your life... It's about every single woman you come across or every single woman who makes your life a wee bit brighter every day.
To all the women out there, I bow to you, because I dare not imagine where the world would be without you... You're the ones we turn to when we're so lost in life, and it's your phenomenal energy that lifts us clear of our misery and pain. You're the ones who inspire us, you're the ones who push us along the way when we're down and out... You're the ones that shine your light into the world and make it a hell of a lot better to live in. You make us what we are... You're the yardstick by which we measure ourselves... Nothing means more to us than the never ending support that you extend... nothing feels better than the tightness of your hug, the warmth of your kiss and the "shh..." when the world has screwed us over so badly that we are reduced to tears...
To women, just take a look at yourself in the mirror... and let yourself know that you're of the highest order in the universe, and you are cherished above all else... Why? Because of the way you care... as a sister, as a friend, as a lover and as a mother... The way you hold that special place in the lives of men around you... the way you're so tough when you need to be, and so incredibly soft and delicate when you need to be, and the way you just know... The way you're so special to us, and the way you hold the life of earth in your hands... the way you can light up the world with your smile and the way you're just so charming... You are the embodiment of life... Mother Nature, is after all, the most beautiful thing in the world, and the eternal woman...
To men, you might be with a woman right now, or you might see her a bit later... Just don't forget to let her know how special she is... Be it your mum, sis, friend, wife or girlfriend... You wouldn't be half of what you are without her... You don't have to tell her how amazing she is.. Hold her a little longer and a little tighter than you did yesterday, and she'll know...
:)
Filed under Think
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