21 hours ago
Bully
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Why does life find it prudent to come about and bite me in the ass at the oddest of times?
I used to get bullied a hell of a lot... I'm not just talking about your emotional schoolyard bullying... I'm talking about seniors making us run at 3 in the morning and beating us with hockey sticks... But I don't regret any of that... It taught me a hell of a lot, and it made me grow up a hell of a lot faster than I would've.... Still, this blog is not about that... I'm not looking for rivers of tears... It's something else entirely
It's something to do with 'schoolyard' bullying.. No, I'm not complaining about that either... I've had that all my life and I'm so used to it now... I can, and I do, take verbal bullying quite well... I simply quit responding to the person who's doing it... Yeah, pretty amazing that I let myself get bullied... honestly, I just can't be bothered to respond... whatever else I may be, I am not one to stand up and make it stop... because all I say is "It's really not that bad..." or "Why bother?"... I will stand up for anybody else, and I would die for some... but myself is just not worth it...
And really... it doesn't matter... I'm not affected, no one else is either, and we're not talking about that because that's not what this blog is about...
This blog is about me... as a bully... Yeah, after all the stuff that's happened, I still somehow manage to make someone else's life a wee bit crappier. I realized this some time ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it... I can't even talk about it because talking about it makes you accept it, and there is no way in hell I'm going to admit that in 17 years... this is a part of me...
And I can't seem to stop the cycle... It scares me how I have no control over it.. It's like so much repression is suddenly finding voice... I can't help but think I'm emptying my frustration through this, and that scares me... When the hell did I ever get to this stage.. when the hell did I start feeling like bullying others was vindication? When did I start being vindictive? I certainly can't figure that one out...
Bullies are the lowest creatures on the face of the planet... along the lines of vermin and crap... I am not going to be vermin and crap... I'm going to be human... I wanna... I'm going to try like hell... And I'm going to apologize... That might just be one of the hardest things I've ever done... God I hope I can go through with this... I have to...
This helped...
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Never had any problems in school with bullies.
Just stay away from people, dress in a black trenchcoat, be calm, and have one sudden outburst of anger. (Word spreads fast and is exaggerated) Bullies won't know what to think and they'll stay away from you. That's what I did.
As far as being a bully and continuing the cycle... I've always looked at them and made a conscious decision to not become that. I've seen abuse or alcoholism in the same way. I'd rather not force someone else to experience it. Isn't it bad enough you had to?
Sometimes people slip up and find the wrong ways to vent, that is part of being human. If you were to make an actual decision to BE a bully, then you are like vermin and crap.
I hope you do apologize and I hope you feel better.
And...you are worth it.
No one deserves to be bullied or to be so desensitized to it that they just "deal with it".
I'm an asshole, and I'm tough and open minded, but now when i see people I treated wrongly I apologize, It's not hard when you've changed, and life changes you, i'm not the same person now that i was at 17, and the people you got to say sorry too pop up in youre life when its time for them to pop up and hear the apology, I'm also not very big so people tried to bully me but they could not cause I am he man, I hate bullies because they are weak, brat there is no way you were to mean, i'm sure when you apologize it will be easy cause its sincere and thats the important part
i've never been bullied, and i have no intention of making someone's day miserable. it's just a waste of time, both ways.
I'm glad that writing that out helped you! Talking can help some people, at least getting it 'off your chest' so to speak can help. It helps you release it, it helps lay all the cards on the table so they can be seen for what they really are, and it admits that there is something (whether a problem or not) and that fact can be the first step towards getting past something.
also realize, based on ur comment about how long it has taken you to get to where you are, it took 17 years to become who you are today...and it will take time to reverse the trends you have set for yourself. Don't get discouraged, even the smallest step forward is still forward progress, a step towards a solution!
I was a certified counselor for sometime, I let my cert. expire as I didn't like charging people to help them if I could, so I'd be glad to listen, to email back and forth etc.... (my doctorate is NOT in counseling, it is in Meta-Physics) If you want to be in touch, read the comments in the google group you posted in about this 'personal crisis'
I've never had a problem with bullies. I'm sorry that you went through that. Nobody should ever have to experience that.
Its understandable how you managed to bully another though. I'm glad you realise that what you did was wrong.
This post gave us an insight into your life. I liked reading it.
xx
I got bullied a lot of times. And I ve bullied a lot of people too. It's fun, as long as both parties don't mind. I mean if it's taken in a fun way then it's okay. As long as you respect the other person's tolerance.
and
/*.. but myself is just not worth it...*/
DUDE!
I haven't been bullied before but I have been teased except that person usually stopped cuz I kinda sorta resorted to violence...but hey they stopped. But you say you're now worth standing up for yourself? Hmm...that begs some podering over your self worth and also, you say bullying hasnt effected you but look, you've been doing it to someone else. It's affected whether you're conscious about it or not.
I used to be bullied when I was young but I would not have changed this as it made me a stronger person today and more considerate of others feelings. It's one of those things which we have to get through ourself