Pain. Guilt. Doubt.

I've started wondering whether I really have an identity anymore. When your heart is aching, such a strong ache, how do you go about your life if you don't mould another face for yourself and fix it. Forgive me if this post is a little more expressive than most, but it feels like bottling everything up inside of me isn't working out so well anymore. I've never been one to wear my heart on my shoulder, not unless I've known you for five years... And it works just fine that way, except that maybe I've grown and something's changed. Or maybe I'm still the same and I had to have something life-altering and have it taken away before I felt this way.

Think of the biggest mistake you've made, and think to yourself, did you make this mistake because the mistake was a part of you? How do you know you're strong enough to pull yourself out of the pain that follows? Or the guilt, or the doubt. It's always doubt, isn't it? What do you do when you doubt yourself, and yourself is the person you've known for the entirety of your life. I don't doubt myself, I think my identity is the only thing I'll have if I lose everything else, no matter how precious that everything is. Maybe it's disbelief that I need to be strong enough to rise above this...

This is becoming a drag, so I'll leave you with this;

If you destroy trust, can you trust your heart to hope?


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tina said... 28 July 2009 at 15:53  

oh dear. i spend most of my time doubting myself. but i hope a lot. a whole, whole lot. i spend most of my time hoping, too. ^^;

the biggest mistake i ever made? make that mistakes... the doubt and the hurt and the self-loathing ebb after a while. 'cause it's too painful to stay that way for too long, so you get up bit by bit. sort of let go (but never entirely) bit by bit. sort of move on bit by bit. you never forget. but it fades, in its own way, and you're left with whatever you were, plus some scars, and a lot of things you learned.

you may not have the strength at first, but you acquire it bit by bit as you keep going. the world starts to make sense again. the pain subsides to a persistent, nagging memory - it's always there. you learn to live with it afterwards, maybe laugh at it if you're lucky.

maybe it's 'cause i spend most of my time hoping, that all my self-doubt sorta evens out. hope is a pretty natural thing with me... and i think it's the same thing with most people. you won't be able to stop yourself, even if you hate it. :)

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